English People Can't Speak English

At my place of employ I encounter and talk on the phone to a lot of people from all over the world.  I would like to note that I do not say this with a sense of self importance.  I don't travel the globe giving sick children heart transplants or negotiate international trade agreements; I am a bartender.  This is not to say that I don't respect my profession, on the contrary, I relish my role as the Working Man's Psychiatrist and Shit Bird Etiquette Coach.  I make good dough, I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn, I get to meet some really great people and being a high functioning alcoholic is generally viewed as a professional asset.  But let's be real; for the most part I pour booze into glasses, listen to peoples dumb-ass problems and make sure women don't go home with basement dwelling serial killers.  So, that's what I do.  I tend bar.  And it just so happens that I tend bar at a joint that is in every guide book and on every travel show from Kazakhstan to Calgary.

I have learned many things about many cultures and developed several stereotypes while "behind the stick."  For example; Brazilians will mix anything with Coca-Cola, Canadians are nothing but frozen hillbillies, Russians always want to drink tropical shit, 99 percent of American's are Coors Light swilling fucktards, Asian's of all stripes can neither order nor properly metabolize a cocktail, the French are the most self important people on the planet, people rarely listen to the answer after they ask you a question, everyone loves to introduce themselves on the phone for absolutely no reason, needing to be 21 years old and have an I.D in order to be in a bar is a REALLY confusing rule, and everyone except Americans, Greeks, and occasionally the Irish tip like total shit if at all.  "When in Rome" motherfuckers... 

Above all else I have learned one thing; English people suck at speaking English.  They add letters to words, they mispronounce, they add words where they don't belong and they just generally talk nonsense.  Without a doubt I speak with a very specific accent (especially after a few belts) and am prone to slang.  I am not an English professor or any sort of language expert, however, I do recognize utter linguistic bullshit when I hear it.  I would like to give you a few examples.  I apologize for some inevitable misspelling, but unfortunately there is not a spell check for nonsense.


Example 1; "Mostibly" as an abbreviation for "most probably"

i.e, "I'll mostibly head back to the hotel for a quick nap and then go to the 'Man Hole' for a good buggering." 

The thing that is most irritating about this abbreviation isn't that it's not a real word.  Many dialects, including my own, use goofy abbreviations or run two or more words together when speaking.  The problem is that these monarch blowing sonsabitches will never, never admit to having said it. 

ME: Can I get you something to drink?

BRIT: I'll mostibly just have pint.

ME: I beg your pardon?

BRIT: I'll mostibly just have a pint.

ME: I don't know what 'mostibly' means.

BRIT: I didn't say that.  I just said that I would have a pint.

ME: You said, "I'll 'mostibly' have a pint."

BRIT: No I didn't.  I said, "I will, MOST PROBABLY, have a pint."

ME: ......

I have had this exact conversation on innumerable occasions.  Go ahead, use your made up words.  Just don't fucking lie to me about it.  It reminds me of that David Cross "yeah bitch" bit.


Example 2; Ending sentences with "isn't it though?" or "innit though?"

i.e "This donkey cock pudding is lovely, innit though?"

I don't really know if this is grammatically incorrect so much as it is just annoying because they say it constantly and the sentiment can easily be achieved through vocal inflection alone.  It is verbally redundant and at the very least can be said using less syllables.  It's almost as irritating as the way Canadians feel the need to end every sentence with "eh?"  Shut the fuck up about how much you love your frozen maple leaf sucking country before I pull your jean jacket over your head and hockey punch all your teeth out.  Now take your shitty country and get back in the shadow of our larger, globally relevant, more climate diverse (and in many ways even shittier) country, eh?


Example 3; Adding the letter 'r' to words for no reason.

i.e "Princess Dianer was really fond of Americer.  She especially liked the way they utilize exotic spices like salt and pepper in their cuisine." or "President Obamar is a lovely man.  Did you know his father was from Kenyar?"

This just drives me bat shit.  It is no less idiotic then the Tyler Perry 'Medea' voice.  Ermagerd.

That's just a few examples I can think of off the top of my head.  Perhaps I will add more as I encounter them or when it's not 3am.  I suppose none of these things would be particularly annoying if their nationality didn't share a name with their language and they weren't accompanied by their superior colonialist attitude (the empire is dead, get the fuck over yourself), the dumbest possible tourist questions ("is it true Al Caponi was killed here?" "Do you have live music today?" as a band is blaring directly behind me), non existent or meager to the point of insult gratuity and those Halloween horror show grills in their mouths.  Finally, don't correct my American pronunciation (oregano, paprika, process, schedule, etc.).  I'm not saying that your way is wrong or my way is right.  It goes without saying that different regions pronounce words differently and some are more correct then others.  Nobody is really wrong.  But when you try to correct my generic American pronunciation I feel the need to point out that there are waaaaaay more of us then you and, therefore, my pronunciation would be considered the standard.  Also, it's rude and makes me want to punch you in the dick and/or vagina. 

Enough of this.  It's late and I'm gonna go read some Shakespeare in bed.  There is a motherfucker who knew the English language.