The following account of my Monday off work spent laying on my couch watching movies and tv shows leaves out several mini naps as well as bathroom breaks. It is compiled without reference to the specific times at which different acts of sloth occurred as the only times I looked at a clock were when I woke up on the couch a little after 1pm and when I realized it must be late because I was no longer hearing the sounds of revelry emanate from the human trash factory of a bar across from my apartment at around 3am.
I wake up mildly (for me) hungover with my joints and back aching from my 15 hour Sunday shift. I fear that I am out of cigarettes and will thus have to venture off my couch and all the way down the street to procure my preferred brand of smokes. I am delighted to find that I have not only a half of a pack in my work satchel (it's not a briefcase nor is it a euro-trash-homo man bag. It's a fucking satchel) but also enough loose tobacco to get me through a chain smoking day off. There is no better feeling than having the means of feeding one's lesser addiction available without any effort.
After dicking around on my phone for a while playing some stupid game in which you hunt prehistoric big game (The game isn't even that fun but I feel driven to unlock the sniper rifle before I delete it from my phone and find a different way to digitally piss my life away) until my phone dies. I plug it in and forget that it exists. I think perhaps I will start turning my phone off when I get home from work on Sunday night/Monday morning from now on and leave it off until Tuesday morning. But then I start to worry that maybe I will miss an important call if I leave my phone off for such a long stretch of time. Because I get TONS of important calls. I must have gotten at least two so far this millennium.
Now that I've gotten my morning cigarette out of the way I have enough motivation to get some shit done. And, of course, by get some shit done I mean find the remote control and turn on the television.
The first program I watch is Real Time with Bill Maher. I like this show because I find that the panelists and guests are a lot more off the cuff then they are on other shows. I watch this program first because Katie hates it and I like to watch it before too many news cycles have passed and it is no longer topical. I don't really know why Katie hates Bill Maher. Perhaps it's because she hates Irish people. It was not a terribly good episode. Ann Coulter was on and she scares me. I don't know if this makes any sense but I think she looks like an alien spider meth whore that needs a better dye job. Also, that Darrell Issa guy was one of the panelists. He wears too much makeup and looks like a corpse. Whenever he croaks from bullshit poisoning everyone at his funeral will remark that he looks exactly the same in his coffin as he did on TV.
Next I watched the Showtime drama Homeland. I have been led to understand that this show won a bunch of awards. I don't understand why, unless it was some sort of I meant to vote for Al Gore but I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan because my eyes don't work/I can't read/I'm a fucking fuck-tard situation. I mean, It's not THAT bad of a show it just doesn't hold a damn candle to Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire or even The Walking Dead. All Homeland is is a mildly clever reworking of The Manchurian Candidate. Also, I think a more appropriate title for the program would be the The Spy Who Cried or The Crazeballs Operative or The Increasingly Narrow Escapes of the Ginger Jihadist.
Then came Dexter (Spoiler Alert). I'm sure many of you have heard me complain about this show already. I have the same problem with this show that I do with Sons of Anarchy. Both shows make shit far to complicated. I like to refer to it as 'manufactured drama.' There is always some problem that any reasonably intelligent person could solve in about twenty minutes that lasts an entire season. Of course the guy who Dexter kills as revenge for the cop he murdered is a member of some sort of secret Eastern European mobster brotherhood and of course they all wear GPS tracking bracelets 'just in case.' They even resorted to the old Fight Club imaginary friend scenario to wrap up the last plot line with the Doomsday Killer. It was cool in Fight Club, now it's a cop out. Fuck you Showtime, get better writers.
After watching these two steaming piles of shit (mind you, not nearly steamy or shitty enough for me not to spend two hours watching them 12 times a year) I felt the need to watch something of substance, so, I ordered up Cowboys and Aliens (mild spoiler alert). I goddamn loved this movie. Everything I heard about this movie was negative so I didn't expect much. All I hoped for was cowboys, aliens, and some ass kicking and this film delivered in spades. I do, however, kind of wish I hadn't watched it because I worry that it corrupted my mind for my own ridiculous western sub genre movie that I have been threatening to pen for ten years. I think the best special effect in this movie was Olivia Wilde's eyes. They were fucking creepy and eerie and make total sense later on when you find out she is a covert alien. I assume they were contact lenses because, if they aren't, I think she might actually be an alien. Let me know because I am enough of a weirdo to IMDB a cast list of a movie so I can reference an actress by name but not enough to google pictures of said actress to see if her eyes are real. That would just be creepy.
At this point in the day I was starting to get pretty damn hungry so I mustered the will to get off my ass and procure some food. I had to walk all the fuck way to 33rd and Wells (a whole 4 blocks from my den of laziness and ashtrays) to get a beef sandwich since the greatest beef sandwich joint in the history of the world across the street from my apartment closed six months ago. The sandwich I got at Turtles was pretty good (certainly no Uncle Johnnies) but I always get frustrated when I ask for giardiniera on a sandwich and they put it on the side. If I motherfucking wanted my peppers on the side I would have motherfucking asked for peppers on the motherfucking side.
Once I finished stuffing my face I was a little too sleepy to properly look for a decent movie to watch so I ended up watching a film called Stone (again, spoiler alert) starring Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton in which a soon to retire parole officer has one last prisoner to review for release before he calls it a career and then ends up getting seduced by said parolees psychotic and charming wife. Everyone grows and learns shit and the bad guy ends up being good and the good guy ends up being bad. Eh. It was the darkest Lifetime movie I've ever watched.
At this point I was getting kind of desperate for available cinema so I turned to the film Priest (more spoilers, but I'm not quite sure why the hell anybody would ever watch this movie) starring Paul Bettany. The plot in a nutshell is that in the future there has been a war between Vampires and humans for centuries. The Vampires were winning until the Church trained a bunch of super soldier priests. Now the remaining Vampires live in reservations/internment camps and the decommissioned priest soldiers have a hard time fitting into society in the giant Church run super cities. Now, after years of peace, Vampire attacks have started outside the city walls in rural settlements but the Church refuses to acknowledge the impending threat. Why won't they do anything about the attacking Vampires and why did they put all these murderous blood sucking monsters into camps rather than killing them (also, how the hell did they get them into camps?)? Who the fuck knows. Oh yeah, the Vampires also figured out how to make day walking humanoid Vampires. But they only made one. And he used to be one of the priest soldiers. Luckily there is one renegade priest who refuses to follow orders and must finish both the war against Vampires as well as his own personal war. Fuck this movie. Watch it if you are mad at yourself.
Now, still unsatisfied, I scroll through literally every movie available on demand (HD only of course) and settle on Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. This film was pretty great, but, I must admit to having a hard time following a complicated well written spy movie after watching seven plus hours of trashy TV drama, erotic thrillers, and crazy sci-fi action movies. Lots of great 1970's mustaches in this movie.
After Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy I no longer had a taste for the rest of the simplistic garbage available through Comcast OnDemand so I turned to the Science Channel. I watched a documentary on asteroids, how they have affected life on Earth and how they likely will in the future. This might have been the worst possible program in the history of the world for me to fall asleep to, as I had nothing but crazy Armageddon type dreams all night. I did, however, awaken (just in time to get ready for work) with a new found appreciation for Jupiter. That big bastard of a planet is the only reason Earth hasn't gotten the shit kicked out of it by Asteroids waaaaaaay more often then it does. Big ass gravitational pull and whatnot. For example; did you know that in 1994 an asteroid that would have otherwise collided with Earth was intercepted by Jupiter and resulted in an explosion that was larger than our entire planet? Thanks Jupiter. You are now my favorite planet that I don't live on and isn't named after a cartoon dog.
I wake up mildly (for me) hungover with my joints and back aching from my 15 hour Sunday shift. I fear that I am out of cigarettes and will thus have to venture off my couch and all the way down the street to procure my preferred brand of smokes. I am delighted to find that I have not only a half of a pack in my work satchel (it's not a briefcase nor is it a euro-trash-homo man bag. It's a fucking satchel) but also enough loose tobacco to get me through a chain smoking day off. There is no better feeling than having the means of feeding one's lesser addiction available without any effort.
After dicking around on my phone for a while playing some stupid game in which you hunt prehistoric big game (The game isn't even that fun but I feel driven to unlock the sniper rifle before I delete it from my phone and find a different way to digitally piss my life away) until my phone dies. I plug it in and forget that it exists. I think perhaps I will start turning my phone off when I get home from work on Sunday night/Monday morning from now on and leave it off until Tuesday morning. But then I start to worry that maybe I will miss an important call if I leave my phone off for such a long stretch of time. Because I get TONS of important calls. I must have gotten at least two so far this millennium.
Now that I've gotten my morning cigarette out of the way I have enough motivation to get some shit done. And, of course, by get some shit done I mean find the remote control and turn on the television.
The first program I watch is Real Time with Bill Maher. I like this show because I find that the panelists and guests are a lot more off the cuff then they are on other shows. I watch this program first because Katie hates it and I like to watch it before too many news cycles have passed and it is no longer topical. I don't really know why Katie hates Bill Maher. Perhaps it's because she hates Irish people. It was not a terribly good episode. Ann Coulter was on and she scares me. I don't know if this makes any sense but I think she looks like an alien spider meth whore that needs a better dye job. Also, that Darrell Issa guy was one of the panelists. He wears too much makeup and looks like a corpse. Whenever he croaks from bullshit poisoning everyone at his funeral will remark that he looks exactly the same in his coffin as he did on TV.
Next I watched the Showtime drama Homeland. I have been led to understand that this show won a bunch of awards. I don't understand why, unless it was some sort of I meant to vote for Al Gore but I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan because my eyes don't work/I can't read/I'm a fucking fuck-tard situation. I mean, It's not THAT bad of a show it just doesn't hold a damn candle to Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire or even The Walking Dead. All Homeland is is a mildly clever reworking of The Manchurian Candidate. Also, I think a more appropriate title for the program would be the The Spy Who Cried or The Crazeballs Operative or The Increasingly Narrow Escapes of the Ginger Jihadist.
Then came Dexter (Spoiler Alert). I'm sure many of you have heard me complain about this show already. I have the same problem with this show that I do with Sons of Anarchy. Both shows make shit far to complicated. I like to refer to it as 'manufactured drama.' There is always some problem that any reasonably intelligent person could solve in about twenty minutes that lasts an entire season. Of course the guy who Dexter kills as revenge for the cop he murdered is a member of some sort of secret Eastern European mobster brotherhood and of course they all wear GPS tracking bracelets 'just in case.' They even resorted to the old Fight Club imaginary friend scenario to wrap up the last plot line with the Doomsday Killer. It was cool in Fight Club, now it's a cop out. Fuck you Showtime, get better writers.
After watching these two steaming piles of shit (mind you, not nearly steamy or shitty enough for me not to spend two hours watching them 12 times a year) I felt the need to watch something of substance, so, I ordered up Cowboys and Aliens (mild spoiler alert). I goddamn loved this movie. Everything I heard about this movie was negative so I didn't expect much. All I hoped for was cowboys, aliens, and some ass kicking and this film delivered in spades. I do, however, kind of wish I hadn't watched it because I worry that it corrupted my mind for my own ridiculous western sub genre movie that I have been threatening to pen for ten years. I think the best special effect in this movie was Olivia Wilde's eyes. They were fucking creepy and eerie and make total sense later on when you find out she is a covert alien. I assume they were contact lenses because, if they aren't, I think she might actually be an alien. Let me know because I am enough of a weirdo to IMDB a cast list of a movie so I can reference an actress by name but not enough to google pictures of said actress to see if her eyes are real. That would just be creepy.
At this point in the day I was starting to get pretty damn hungry so I mustered the will to get off my ass and procure some food. I had to walk all the fuck way to 33rd and Wells (a whole 4 blocks from my den of laziness and ashtrays) to get a beef sandwich since the greatest beef sandwich joint in the history of the world across the street from my apartment closed six months ago. The sandwich I got at Turtles was pretty good (certainly no Uncle Johnnies) but I always get frustrated when I ask for giardiniera on a sandwich and they put it on the side. If I motherfucking wanted my peppers on the side I would have motherfucking asked for peppers on the motherfucking side.
Once I finished stuffing my face I was a little too sleepy to properly look for a decent movie to watch so I ended up watching a film called Stone (again, spoiler alert) starring Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton in which a soon to retire parole officer has one last prisoner to review for release before he calls it a career and then ends up getting seduced by said parolees psychotic and charming wife. Everyone grows and learns shit and the bad guy ends up being good and the good guy ends up being bad. Eh. It was the darkest Lifetime movie I've ever watched.
At this point I was getting kind of desperate for available cinema so I turned to the film Priest (more spoilers, but I'm not quite sure why the hell anybody would ever watch this movie) starring Paul Bettany. The plot in a nutshell is that in the future there has been a war between Vampires and humans for centuries. The Vampires were winning until the Church trained a bunch of super soldier priests. Now the remaining Vampires live in reservations/internment camps and the decommissioned priest soldiers have a hard time fitting into society in the giant Church run super cities. Now, after years of peace, Vampire attacks have started outside the city walls in rural settlements but the Church refuses to acknowledge the impending threat. Why won't they do anything about the attacking Vampires and why did they put all these murderous blood sucking monsters into camps rather than killing them (also, how the hell did they get them into camps?)? Who the fuck knows. Oh yeah, the Vampires also figured out how to make day walking humanoid Vampires. But they only made one. And he used to be one of the priest soldiers. Luckily there is one renegade priest who refuses to follow orders and must finish both the war against Vampires as well as his own personal war. Fuck this movie. Watch it if you are mad at yourself.
Now, still unsatisfied, I scroll through literally every movie available on demand (HD only of course) and settle on Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. This film was pretty great, but, I must admit to having a hard time following a complicated well written spy movie after watching seven plus hours of trashy TV drama, erotic thrillers, and crazy sci-fi action movies. Lots of great 1970's mustaches in this movie.
After Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy I no longer had a taste for the rest of the simplistic garbage available through Comcast OnDemand so I turned to the Science Channel. I watched a documentary on asteroids, how they have affected life on Earth and how they likely will in the future. This might have been the worst possible program in the history of the world for me to fall asleep to, as I had nothing but crazy Armageddon type dreams all night. I did, however, awaken (just in time to get ready for work) with a new found appreciation for Jupiter. That big bastard of a planet is the only reason Earth hasn't gotten the shit kicked out of it by Asteroids waaaaaaay more often then it does. Big ass gravitational pull and whatnot. For example; did you know that in 1994 an asteroid that would have otherwise collided with Earth was intercepted by Jupiter and resulted in an explosion that was larger than our entire planet? Thanks Jupiter. You are now my favorite planet that I don't live on and isn't named after a cartoon dog.
I don't think Bill Maher has anything worthwhile to say and his voice is irritating.
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